英語笑話精彩合集

　　笑話是幽默的載體，一個成功的笑話能流傳千古，聽者和講者都會感到快樂、欣喜，拍掌叫好!以下是小編為大家準(zhǔn)備的英語笑話精彩合集，一起來爆笑吧!

　　英語笑話精彩 1

　　年長者階層

　　During the doctors periodic visit to my elderly mother, I told him that Mother would be celebrating her 98th birthday in few days. Delighted by the news, he bent down and gave her a kiss for the occasion. He then announced that he, too, would be celebrating a birthday in few days and asked for a kiss in return.When he left, my mother shook her head in disgust. "Can you imagine, " she said. "Seventy dollars and I had to kiss him too!

　　醫(yī)生按期來探視我的老母。我告訴他母親不幾天就要慶祝她98歲的`生日了。醫(yī)生聽了也很高興，為此，他彎下腰來親了她一下。然后他說不幾天他也要慶祝自己的生日，并要求她還他一個吻。醫(yī)生走后，我母親厭惡地?fù)u搖頭。“你能想象嗎，”她說，“付了他70元，我還得親他!”

　　英語笑話精彩 2

　　保證沒走錯To be on the Safe Side

　　In a cinema during a performance one of the audience gets up, makes his way along the row of seats and goes out into the foyer.

　　在一家電影院里，一名觀眾在演出期間站了起來，沿著他那排位子走到休息室去了。

　　A few minutes later he returns and asks the man sitting at the head of the row:

　　幾分鐘后，他回到那排位子并問坐在首位的那位男士道：

　　"Excuse me, was it your foot I stepped on when I was going out a moment ago?"

　　“對不起，請問我剛才出去的時候是踩著你的腳嗎?”

　　"Yes, but it doesnt really matter. It didnt hurt at all."

　　“是的`，不過沒什么關(guān)系，一點也不疼。”

　　"Oh, no, it isnt that. I only want to make sure that this is my row."

　　“噢，不，我不是這個意思。我只是想確認(rèn)一下這是不是我的那排位子�！�

　　英語笑話精彩 3

　　沒把頭發(fā)全剪掉啊

　　Miles sometime went to the barbers during working hours to have his hair cut. But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time. While Miles was at the barbers one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him."Hello, Miles," the manager said. "I see that you are having your hair cut in office time.""Yes, sir, I am," admitted Miles calmly. "You see, sir, it grows in office time.""Not all of it," said the manager at once. "Some of it grows in your own time.""Yes, sir, thats quite true." Answered Miles politely, "but Im not having it all cut off."麥爾斯有時在上班時間去理發(fā)館理發(fā)，但這是違反辦公室規(guī)定的：職員只能利用自己的時間理發(fā)。一天，正當(dāng)麥爾斯理發(fā)時，經(jīng)理碰巧也進(jìn)來理發(fā)，而且就坐在他旁邊�！澳愫茫�麥爾斯，”經(jīng)理說�！拔铱吹侥阍谏习鄷r間理發(fā)了�！薄笆堑�.，先生。正是這樣�！丙湢査蛊届o地承認(rèn)了�？上壬�，你看，頭發(fā)是在上班時間長的�！安蝗�都是吧，”經(jīng)理立刻說，“有一些是在你自己的時間里長的�！薄皩ρ�，先生，你說得很對�！丙湢査苟Y貌地回答說，“但我并沒有把頭發(fā)全都剪掉啊�！�

　　英語笑話精彩 4

　　Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

　　"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"

　　The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

　　There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

　　兩個獵人在森林里打獵，突然一人暈倒了。他的.呼吸停止，眼神呆滯。另外一個人掏出手機(jī)，撥打911。

　　“我想我的朋友死了！”他喊道，“我該怎么辦？”

　　接線員說：“請冷靜。首先，請確認(rèn)他是否真的死了�！苯又�一陣沉寂，然后是一聲槍響�；氐诫娫捴�，獵人接著說：“好了，然后呢？”

　　英語笑話精彩 5

　　A School-report The father was reading the school-report which had just been handed to him by his hopeful son. His brow was wrathful as he read: "English, poor, French, weak, mathematics, mathematics, Fair," and he gave a glance of disgust at the quaking lad. "Wall, Dad." Said the son, "it is not as good as it might be, but have you seen that?" And he pointed to the next line, which read: "Health excellent."

　　學(xué)期總結(jié) 父親正在讀兒子剛剛交給他的學(xué)期總結(jié)，他的兒子滿懷希望的看著他，而他則生氣的`讀著學(xué)期總結(jié)："英語,差;法語,中;數(shù)學(xué),良."然后,他厭惡地看著那個正在抖動著身子的小子."恩,老爸."兒子說:"那沒有達(dá)到本來應(yīng)該達(dá)到的優(yōu)秀水平，不過你沒看到那兒?"他指著下一行，讀到："健康狀況，優(yōu)秀。" 鮮艷)

　　英語笑話精彩 6

　　Dumas仲馬

　　One day a man was taunting Alexandre Dumas，the greatFrench novelist，with his ancestry. “Why，” snarled the fellow，“you are a quadroon;yourfather was a mulatto，and your grandfather was a negro.” “Yes，” roared Dumas，“and，if you wish to knowmygreatgrandfather was a monkey. In fact， my pedigree beganwhere yours terminates.”

　　有一天，一個人在嘲弄法國大小說家亞歷山大·仲馬，譏笑他的祖先。 那家伙厲聲說：“唔，你是四分之一黑白混血兒，你父親是黑白混血兒，而你的祖父是個黑人�！� “是的，”仲馬大聲回敬：“還有呢，如果你想知道的話， 我的曾祖父是一只猴子。其實我的血統(tǒng)起始于你的.血統(tǒng)終止的地方�！�

　　英語笑話精彩 7

　　A PresentKate: Mom, do you know what I"m going to give you for your birthday?

　　Mom: No, Honey, what?

　　Kate: A nice teapot.

　　Mom: But I"ve got a nice teapot.

　　Kate: No, you haven"t. I"ve just dropped it.

　　凱特的禮物

　　凱特：媽媽，你知道我要給你一件什么生日禮物嗎？

　　媽媽：不知道，寶貝，是什么呀？

　　凱特：一把漂亮的.茶壺。

　　媽媽：可是我已經(jīng)有一把漂亮的茶壺了呀。

　　凱特：不，你沒有了。我剛剛把它給摔了。

　　作業(yè)：

　　The Doctor Knows Better

　　A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital.

　　His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill."

　　"I am afraid that he is dead." said the doctor.

　　Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I"m not dead. I"m still alive."

　　"Be quiet, " said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"

　　英語笑話精彩 8

　　Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, Im the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says

　　"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him whats wrong and he answered, "Whats wrong? I work for 7up"!

　　四個好朋友在醫(yī)院里碰面了,他們的妻子正在生產(chǎn).護(hù)士過來對第一個男人說:"恭喜,你得了雙胞胎."男人說:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼蘇達(dá)雙子隊的經(jīng)理."過了一會兒,護(hù)士過來對第二個男人說:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜歡:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的.董事."最后,護(hù)士跑來對第三個男人說:"恭喜,你得了2對雙胞胎."男人很開心地說:"真令人啼笑皆非,我為四季賓館工作."他們?nèi)齻�都很高興,但第四個伙伴急得像熱鍋上的螞蟻,咒罵上帝并用頭撞墻.他們問他有什么不對勁,他回答道:"什么不對勁?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"

　　英語笑話精彩 9

　　An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shopman: "How much this stuff?"

　　一位耳聾并且總是嫌?xùn)|西太貴的老太太走進(jìn)一家商店。 她問店員：“這東西要多少錢？”

　　"Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap." The lady said, "It is too much, give it to me for fourteen." "I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven."

　　“七美元，太太，這是很便宜的�！� 老太太說：“太貴了，十四美元差不多�！� 店員忙說：“我沒說十七美元，是七美元�！�

　　"It is still too much," replied the old lady, "give it to me for five."

　　“還是太貴，”老太太說：“五美元，我就買啦�！�

　　英語笑話精彩 10

　　who want to go to heaven

　　The preacher was vexed because a certain member of his congregation always fell asleep during the sermon.

　　As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon. So, in a whisper, he asked the congregation. "All who want to go to heaven, please rise." Everyone got up except the snorer. After whispering "Be seated", the minister shouted at the top of his voiced, "All those who want to be with the devil, please rise."

　　Awaking with a start , the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit , "Well, sir," he said, "I dont know what were voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it."

　　牧師非常生氣，因為總有一個人在他說教時打瞌睡。

　　一個星期天，正當(dāng)坐在前排的那個人又在瞌睡時，牧師決定要好好教育他一下，讓他不要再在布道時睡覺。于是他低聲對信徒們說：“想去天堂的人，都請站起來吧�！彼�有的人都站了起來——當(dāng)然，除了那個打瞌睡的人。在低聲說過請坐后，牧師高聲喊道：“想去下地獄的人請站起來!”

　　打瞌睡的`人被這突然的喊叫聲驚醒了，他站了起來�？吹侥翈煾哒驹诮虊�上，正生氣的看著他。這個人說道：“噢，先生，我不知道我們在選什么，但看上去只有你和我是候選人�！�

　　英語笑話精彩 11

　　The mourners pain

　　A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

　　The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

　　The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I dont wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than Ive ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

　　The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wifes first husband.”

　　英語笑話精彩 12

　　In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes. A wild gleam came into the judges eye. "You are a school teacher, eh?" said he. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write I went through a red light five hundred times."

　　在中西部一個大城市的'交通法庭里,一位年輕女士被帶到法官面前,她由于開車闖紅燈被開了罰單.女士向法官解釋,她是一名學(xué)校老師,請求法官馬上處理她的案子,以便可以趕回去上課.法官眼中閃過一絲狡黠,說道：“你是學(xué)校的老師,對嗎?女士,我馬上要實現(xiàn)我畢生的愿望了.在那張桌子旁坐下,寫‘我開車闖了紅燈’500遍.”

　　英語笑話精彩 13

　　A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.

　　小學(xué)四年級的教師正在給學(xué)生們上一堂邏輯課。

　　"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he cant swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

　　她舉了這么一個例子：“有這樣一種情況，一個男人在河中心的`船上釣魚，突然失去重心掉進(jìn)了水里。于是他開始掙扎并喊救命。他的妻子聽到了他的喊聲，知道他并不會游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。誰能告訴我這是為什么？”

　　A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"

　　一個女生舉手答道，“是不是去取他的存款？”

　　Tips: bank在英語中除了我們平時很熟悉的“銀行”之外，還有“河岸”的意思。

　　英語笑話精彩 14

　　The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

　　"Why use my elbow and foot?"

　　"Well, gosh," was the reply, "Youre not coming empty-handed, are you?"

　　一個聲名狼藉的小氣鬼終于決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎么找到他家時說：“你上到五樓，用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了后，再用你的`腳把門推開�！�

　　“為什么我要用我的肘和腳呢?”

　　“天哪!” 吝嗇鬼回答，“你總不會空著手來吧?”

　　英語笑話精彩 15

　　A foreign visitor touring the great American West came across an Indian with his ear pressed tothe ground. 一位外國游客到美國大西部游覽，碰到一個印第安人把耳朵緊貼在地上。

　　"What are you listening for?" heasked. "你在聽什么呢?"他詢問道。

　　“為了向你表示謝意，我送你一只龍蝦。”說著他便給老板一只活蹦亂跳的大龍蝦。

　　"Well, thats very kind of you. My wife and I will have it for dinner. " “您真好，我太太和我將以它當(dāng)晚餐�！�

　　"Oh, hes already had dinner. But I am sure hed love to take in a movie. " “喔，它已經(jīng)吃過晚餐了，但我想它會喜歡看場電影�！�

　　英語笑話精彩 16

　　Do You Know My Work?

　　One night a hotel caught fire， and the people who were staying in it ran out in their nigh clothes. Two men stood outside and looked at the fire.

　　“Before I came out，” said one，“I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money. People don’t think of money when they’re afraid. When anyone leaves paper money in a fire， the fire burns it. So I took all the bills that I could find.No one will be poorer because I took them.” “You don’t know my work，” said the other. “What is your work?” “I’m a policeman.

　　“Oh!” cried the first man. He thought quickly and said，“And do you know my work?”“No，”said the policeman. “I’m a writer. I’m always telling stories about things that never happened.”

　　【譯文】

　　你知道我是干什么的嗎?

　　一天晚上，一家旅館失火，住在這家旅館里的人穿著睡 衣就跑了出來，趣味英語：笑話三則。 兩個人站在外面，看著大火。

　　“在我出來之前，”其中一個說：“我跑進(jìn)一些房間，找到了一大筆錢。人在恐懼中是不會想到錢的。如果有人把紙幣留在火里，火就會把它燒成灰燼。所以我把我所能找到的鈔票都拿走了。沒有人會因為我拿走它們而變得更窮�！� “你不知道我是干什么的。”另一個說。 “你是干什么的?”

　　“我是警察。”

　　“噢!”第一個人喊了一聲。他靈機(jī)一動，說：“那你知道我是干什么的?”“不知道。”警察說。 “我是個作家。我總是愛編一些從未發(fā)生過的.故事。”

　　Who is the laziest

　　Father:Well,Jack,I talked with your teacher today .And now I want to ask you a question ,Who is the laziest person inyour class ?

　　Jack:I don`t know ,father.

　　Father:Oh,think!When other boys and girls are reading and wirting ,who sits quietly and only watch how other people word?

　　Jack:Our teacher ,father.

　　【譯文】

　　誰是最懶惰的

　　爸爸：杰克，我今天已經(jīng)和你的老師談過了，現(xiàn)在我想問你，誰是你們班上最懶的人?

　　杰克：我不知道，爸爸

　　爸爸：你再好好想想，當(dāng)別的同學(xué)都在讀書寫字的時候，誰楞在那兒僅僅是看著其他人?

　　杰克：是我們的老師，爸爸

　　What Is a Traitor?

　　Young hopeful：“Father，what is a traitor in politics?”

　　Father(a veteran politician)：“A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one.”

　　Young hopeful：“Well then，what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours?”

　　Father：“A convert，my son.”

　　【譯文】

　　什么叫叛徒?

　　有希望的青年人：“父親，什么叫政治叛徒?”

　　父親(一位老資格的政治家)：“叛徒指的是離開我們黨而加入到另一個黨的人，中小學(xué)英語《趣味英語：笑話三則》�！�

　　有希望的青年人：“那么，離開他的黨而加入到我們黨的人又叫什么呢?”

　　父親：“叫改變信仰者。我的兒子�！�

　　英語笑話精彩 17

　　A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sum of money was talking to his lawyer.

　　一個被告卷入了一樁牽涉大筆資金的訴訟案，他去找他的律師。

　　A:If I lose this case, Ill be ruined.

　　如果我輸了這場官司，我就完了。

　　B:Its in the judges hand now.

　　這事掌握在法官的手上。

　　A:Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?

　　如果我給法官送一箱雪茄，會不會起點作用?

　　B:Oh.no !This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior.A turu like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hald you in contempt of coun. in fact.you shouldnt even smile ai the judge.

　　哦.不會的!這位法官很固執(zhí)，非常注意職業(yè)道德。這種花招只會讓他對你產(chǎn)生偏見，他甚至?xí)�認(rèn)為你蔑視法庭。事實上，你甚至都不用對他微笑。

　　With in the course of time,the judge wndered a decision in favor of the defendant.As the defendanL leR the counhouae,

　　最后，法官作了一個有利于被告的判決，當(dāng)被告離開法院時。

　　A:Thanks for the tip about the cigars.It worked.

　　謝謝你關(guān)于雪茄的忠告，這很管用。

　　B:Im sure we wodd have lost the caae if youd sent them.

　　如果你送了的'話，我肯定會輸?shù)暨@場官司。

　　A:But did send them.

　　但是我的確送了。

　　B:What? You did?!

　　什么?你送了?!

　　A:Yes.Thats how we won the case.

　　對，這就是我們會贏這場官司的原因。

　　B:I dont understand.

　　我不明白。

　　A:Its easy.I sent the cigars to the judge,but enclosed the plaintiffs business card.

　　這很簡單，我把雪茄送到了法官那里，但是附上了原告的一張名片。

　　英語笑話精彩 18

　　1．we two who and who？

　　咱倆誰跟誰阿

　　2．how are you ? how old are you?

　　怎么是你，怎么老是你？

　　3．you have seed I will give you some color to see see, brothers ！ together up ！

　　你有種，我要給你點顏色瞧瞧，兄弟們，一起上！

　　4．a(chǎn)s far as you go to die

　　有多遠(yuǎn)，死多遠(yuǎn)！

　　5．hello everybody!if you have something to say,then say!if you have nothing to say,go home!!

　　有事起奏，無事退朝

　　6．you me you me

　　彼此彼此

　　7．You Give Me Stop!!

　　你給我站��！

　　8．know is know noknow is noknow

　　知之為知之，不知為不知…

　　9．WATCH SISTER

　　表妹

　　10．dragon born dragon,chicken born chicken,mouse’’son can make hole!!

　　龍生龍，鳳生鳳，老鼠的兒子會打洞！

　　11.I give you face you don’t wanna face,you lose you face ,I turn myface

　　給你臉你不要臉，你丟臉，我翻臉

　　12．one car come one car go ,two car pengpeng,people die

　　車禍現(xiàn)場描述

　　13．heart flower angry open

　　心花怒放

　　14．go past no mistake past

　　走過路過，不要錯過

　　15．小明：I am sorry!

　　老外：I am sorry too!

　　小明：I am sorry three!

　　老外：What are you sorry for?

　　小明：I am sorry five!

　　16．If you want money,I have no;if you want life,I have one!

　　要錢沒有，要命一條

　　17．I call Li old big. toyear 25.

　　我叫李老大，今年25。

　　18．you have two down son

　　你有兩下子。

　　19. good good study,day day up!

　　好好學(xué)習(xí)，天天向上

　　英語笑話精彩 19

　　On my first day of classes at my university I took a front-row seat in my literature course.

　　大學(xué)的第一天，文學(xué)課我坐在了前排。

　　The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.

　　教授告訴我們這學(xué)期必須得讀五本書，他提供我們可供選擇的作者名單。

　　Then he ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book and began, "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."

　　隨后他緩步走上講臺，拿出課本，“貝克、布萊克、布魯斯、卡特、庫克…”

　　I was working feverishly to get down all the names when I felt a tap on my shoulder. The student in back of me whispered, "Hes taking attendance."

　　為了寫下所有的名字，我不得不瘋狂的作著記錄。這時有人輕輕的'拍我肩膀，坐在我后面的學(xué)生悄悄告訴我：“他在點名呢�！�

　　英語笑話精彩 20

　　Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee.

　　三只烏龜決定去喝咖啡。

　　Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain.

　　它們剛到咖啡店的門口，就下起雨來。

　　The biggest turtle said to the smallest one, " Go home and get the umbrella."

　　于是最大的那只烏龜對最小的`烏龜說，“你回家去取傘吧�！�

　　The little turtle replied, "I will, if you dont drink my offee."

　　最小的烏龜說，“如果你們不把我的咖啡喝了，我就去�！�

　　"We wont," the other two promised.

　　“我們不喝，”另外兩只烏龜答應(yīng)說。

　　Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle, "Well, I guess he isnt coming back, so we might as well drink his coffee."

　　兩年后，大烏龜對中烏龜說，“好吧，我猜他肯定不回來了，我們可以把它的咖啡喝掉了。”

　　Just then a voice called from outside the door, "If you do, I wont go."

　　正在這時，一個聲音從門外傳來，“你們要是喝了，我就不去�！�

　　英語笑話精彩 21

　　Can his football come out to play

　　George knocked on the door of his friends house. When his friends mother answered he asked, "Can Albert come out to play?"

　　"No," said the mother, "Its too cold."

　　"Well, then," said George, "Can his football come out to play?"

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